"Ladies and gentlemen, Thespis has left the building!"
"I'm okay with birds doing anything you tell them to."
"Whoa, there, Huckleberry, come on back to the stable. First of all, Sally doesn't have any professional acumen, and second of all, what the hell are you talking about?"
"Not me. I think your job stinks. You get to create your own show and make all the decisions and have a big staff and make a lot of money. That's not for me, Isaac. I like to answer to people. I don't want to create. When I get a thought in my head, I like it to die right there."
"I want to hear some chatter out there."
"Oh, I know all about his problems. You know, the network knows about his problems, too. As a result of which, they become my problems and I'm saying that, at the very most, I want them to be your problems."
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people! If you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you!"
"Did a big frozen turkey fall down on the anchor desk during the last commercial?"
"So don't adjust that dial, and while we're gone, if any talking animals ask you to buy some tacos or beer -- for God's sake, do what they tell you."
"We're just getting started here on Dan and Casey's Dance Fever."
"I really don't want to go out on a date, and there's no question that there's a way to look at this that makes it appear a lot like a date. Plus it's a double-date, and it's a blind date, on top of which, let's not forget, it's a date, so there's about three different ways this thing is bad."
"We're not going to have a good show! We're gonna have a terrible show! Dana, you've either got to stand over that woman's shoulder or you have to call everyone in the Pacific time zone and tell them I'm not really like this."
"Yeah, there's a big fire, Casey. That's why I'm saying 'Uh oh' and 'Mmm'."
"On the entire planet, have you ever seen anyone with eyes like that? She's a Steppford Producer!"
"Our producer, Dana Whitaker, is asking me to fill for 15 seconds, but I honestly don't have anything to say. She's begging me now. Now she seems pretty mad. You'd all like her a lot if you met her. And that's 15 seconds. Casey?"
"I hate Jeremy's breathing guts, but I love him like I've never loved anyone."
"Yes, I did, Wonder Boy, and after the show I'm going to kill myself. Why don't you go play some tennis with your friends?"
"I like it when you fix it. It's so cute and nerdy. I could just lick you up."
"I know that, Jeremy, I was sitting here having sex all by myself!"
"This is you and me, Dana! This is our little coven of women!"
"I want you to trust me right now. I want you to say to yourself, "Yeah, I've dated a string of jerks in my life. They were stupid, they were mean to me, but maybe this one's different. Maybe I should take a chance and not adopt the 'break up with him before he breaks my heart' strategy. I want you to remember that when I started liking you, I didn't stop liking tennis. And I want you to know that I don't think there's a woman in the world that you need to be threatened by, no matter how glamorous you think she is. But mostly, I want you to trust me, just once, when I tell you that you have three sevens, and I have a straight."
"But if you're asking me for genuinely sophisticated analyses -- and I sense that you are! -- You're going to have to give me some time. At least twenty minutes."
"Hey, if we're going to fight, can it not be about Henny Youngman?"
Kim quote: "It didn't 'happen', Danny; I've never been your secretary."
Elliot quote: "I prefer 'assistant.'"
Chris quote: "I thought there was something really wrong with her."
Will quote: "You know someone named Judy Rootie Tootie?"
Dave quote: " Hey, Betty, Wilma. Is Seattle on the tape? "