Dr. Getty:  TACTLESS!

     Hello, my name is Getty and I am a columnist.  I write a column 
based 
on the fact that if Dr. Laura can make a career of pushing her mindless 
drivel onto people and telling them how to live; then smart people who 
really know how to do some living ought to speak up also.  It may be 
pompous 
and preachy but SO BE IT.  My opinions are at least as valid as that 
woman’s 
and you’ll have more fun in your encounter with them.
     I had one hell of a very good summer.  From driving along train 
tracks 
at night to my new job in radio, to shoveling sand during the last days 
of 
my internship—From kissing on top a tower overlooking mountains to 
crying on 
the floor alone at home—I faired well in the long run.    I got some 
free 
sandwiches, cheesecake and pastries.  I learned all about the magic of 
AM, 
both radio and time of day.  However, the most important thing I did 
this 
summer was learn how to be better, smarter, more creative and have a 
much 
more wonderful life than most of the people I meet, including you.
     All the stuff I learned was worthwhile and good.  First, if y our 
car 
is breaking down and you don’t know what to do, listen to Bob Dylan.  
There 
were people 30 years ago who listened to Bob Dylan when their cars were 
breaking down and most of them are fine now.  Some of them even have 
farms.  
The ones who don’t have farms have learned a fierce and wiry sense of 
poetry.  If you’ve got that, you can’t complain.  You’re better off and 
life 
is more fun with that than if all you’ve got is a farm.
       Second, you must appreciate the good things.  If your car is 
breaking 
down and you can’t go above 30 mph, you’d expect someone to scream at 
you to 
learn how to drive.  When that doesn’t happen and instead a Bob Marley 
type 
sticks his head out the window and screams compliments for your “Born 
OK the 
first time” bumper sticker, appreciate that.  Maybe even note the date, 
say, 
August 24, 2001, so you can include it later on a list of good things.
     Third, if your car breaks down at work, go inside and find someone 
peppy and supercharged who likes to talk about softball and make 
choo-choo 
train noises down hallways to give you a ride home.  This is easier 
than it 
seems.
     Rules four and five are as follows.  Cut the grass before it rains 
and 
name stray cats “Hedwig” because they have faces like owls.
     Six is that there will be a moment every August when you realize 
it’s 
almost October. I forgot that one for awhile but then I was driving 
along in 
the big brown car I really liked until August 24th and there was pine 
from a 
year old Christmas tree and a stick and a sunflower laying on the dash 
and I 
exclaimed “ohmygod!  It’s going to be October!”  So enjoy August while 
it 
lasts.  It’s over now, but remember that next year.
     Seventh and last, find good people and let the effect you.  
Finding 
them is the hard part.  They usually just kind of fall into your lap 
approximately 15 years after you start praying, begging and wishing for 
them.  So in the mean while, listen to Bob Dylan.  People who couldn’t 
find 
people 15 years ago listened to Bob Dylan and they’re fine now.  Some 
are 
even happy.  Some have farms.  Some have kittens. Some have spices 
visible 
in the kitchen, cinderblock bookshelves and scattered papers on their 
floors.  To top that, a chosen few are blessed with a fierce and wiry 
neat-o 
sense of poetry.
     Learn from me.  Follow the rules.  I’m real smart, even though I 
don’t 
tell you it’s wrong to be a single mother.