"'Cause I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. We all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said "liberal" means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on Communism, soft on defense, and we're gonna tax you back to the Stone Age because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to.
"And instead of saying "Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-eductaion, anti-choice, pro-gun, 'Leave it to Beaver' trip back to the fifties," we cowered in the corner and said "Please, don't hurt me." No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh? What do you say?"
"I'm sleeping better. And when I sleep, I dream about a great discussion with experts and ideas and diction and energy and honesty. And when I wake up, I think: I can sell that."
"No, no 'however'. Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it."
"Charlie, I've been tapping my finger on the desk for about a minute now. The magic man thing works a lot better when you pick up on the signals, Tonto. What's that you say? There's a phone call for Donna?"
"A President stood up. He said we will land a man on the moon before the end of the decade. You know what we knew when he said that? Nothing. We didn't know anything. We didn't know about the lunar surface. We didn't know how to land one of these things. All we'd ever done is crash it into the ocean. And God knows we could figure out how to land soft. We didn't know how to blast off again, but a President said we're gonna do it, and we did it. So I ask you, why shouldn't I stand up and say we are going to cure cancer in ten years?"
"Did you know that thereís an underground tunnel out of here? ... I havenít been able to find it even though I search almost everyday."
"Unless a war breaks out, I'll be spending much of my day talking about bananas."
"What the hell kind of free world are you running?"
"You go from 'I have a lot to say' to 'I can't say it right now because I have so much to say', to 'I've gotta read about agriculture, and you're not with me, and go to hell'?"
"Here we go. Awasiwi Odinak. Far from the things of man. When Jed first took me to his house, which was 25 miles from anywhere, he said, "Awasiwi Odinak. Far from the things of man." What a jackass. The wine is a '95 Old Vine Zinfandel from Hog Cellars, which once belonged to King Baudouin of Belgium and is best sipped while making anagrams out of the phrase "My husband's an enourmous jackass."
"Because I'm tired of it: Year after year after year after year, having to choose between the lesser of who cares? Of trying to get myself excited about a candidate who can speak in complete sentences!"
"We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill!"
"Right out of the gate, the Bartlet campaign is pandering and bumbling and performing abortions in the Rose Garden."
"I donít want it in my pocket. I donít want it in your pocket, Samís pocket, and I sure donít want it in the Presidentís pocket."
"Depending on how you look at it, it started either with a cabinet secretary losing her temper, a committee chairman baiting her during a hearing, the President answering a question he shouldnít have, a dentist appointment, or me being stupid."
"The President spoke briefly. The President has never spoken briefly in his life. But, he spoke."
"She doesn't know that these things fall out of the sky all the time... once every ten days, as a matter of fact. Since the first year we started putting man-made objects in space, 17,000 have come back and remarkably, not one person has been hit. So I suppose there's an argument to be made that we're due."
"Relative size is one thing, but you're telling me that Germany isn't where we think it is?"
"A book which if I was stuck with it on a desert island, I still wouldnít read it: 'The Adventures of James Capen Adams, Mountaineer and Grizzly Bear Hunter of California.' I believe I would eat this book before I read it."
"Don't you dare lecture me, Mr. President. Don't you dare do it."
"Yes. I agree with her. Look, they take this job away from me, I got nothing. I don't have a cat. I could get one, but I don't have one. Frankly, I'm not wild about cats. I don't hate them. I'm just not... I could learn to like them, I guess, if I ..."
"We're leaving exactly one hour later than we planned. At 5:00, he'll board Marine One for the trip to Andrews, where he'll board Air Force One for the trip to New York. We're just trying to be helpful because we understand that a Presidential motorcade rolling through midtown Manhattan around 6:00, 6:30 really helps keep things well-lubed out there. As a matter of fact, we apologize to New Yorkers for the inconvenience, but the delay was inevitable. I meant to say 'unavoidable.' The delay was unavoidable."
"You heard the news and you slammed the door so hard that it broke. Okay? You heard the news and you broke the White House."
"I'm just, you know... I'm just the guy who does the thing."
"Weíve been navigating by the North Star, which turned out to be the Delta shuttle from LaGuardia. Itís a miracle weíre not in Nantucket right now."
"CJ, so help me if you use the words 'Pwesident' or 'bwiefed' again ..."
"Also, if I was arrested for coveting my neighbor's wife, I'd probably bear false witness."
"What Toby means to say that if 90% of success is showing up, we're just happy that someone's standing up for the other ten."
"Iím gonna ask you to form a horseshoe against that wall. Not an actual horseshoe. That takes special training as a blacksmith."
"Is the champagne flowing as smoothly as the badinage? Are there elegant men and beautiful gowns?"
"No, I'm very upset. I don't know the words to my national anthem. I've been throwing out Canadian pennies my whole life. I've been making fun of the Queen. We don't do that."
"If I see a grizzly bear, I'm supposed to sing to it, sir?"
"Well, I haven't, but he's the President of the United States, so my guess is no, it's probably not a typical marriage."
"Off the top of my head I wouldn't be able to give you a comprehensive list. Just suffice it to say that anything I've done to upset you, even if it exists in your kind of confused little mind, I really apologize for."
"I was just thinking Mark and Robbie are funny names for women."
"I would hope not, and I congratulate you for punishing poor women as a symbol of the strength of mainstream values!"
"I have wit, I have charm, I have brains, I have legs that go all the way down to the floor, my friend."
"The First Lady just asked me to get boozy with her. You don't think I want to write a book one day?"
"I have spent my adult life protecting people. You're the first person who's got me seriously thinking about switching sides!"
"Crime. Boy, I don't know."
"You're what my friends call a superior sumbitch. You're an academic elitist and a snob. You're, uh, Hollywood, you're weak, you're liberal, and you can't be trusted. And if it appears from time to time as if I don't like you, well, those are just a few of the many reasons why."