2. Horn Books
3. Nathanial Hawthorne"
|~~My lit professor makes a list.|
|Special Section: College Math|
"I have eighty 20s here. Wow. That would be nice. Eighty dollars in 20s. If I had eighty 20s, that would be, what? $160? Or, more than that."|
~~Oh, yeah. I can handle my cash.
Heather: "So, how long do these take?"
Sarah: "45 minutes."
Heather: "Okay, it's 20 after 9."
Sarah: "So ... They'll be done at 65 after 9."
~~Sarah dreads 10.
"Okay, this isn't exactly about math, but if Cosmic Chocolates ..."
~~Heather officially becomes the brains of the operation.
"I know what 6 + 7 is. It's ... wait. Yeah. It's 13."
"I want to make sure our pizza's the right number of crisp."
~~It's Sarah's turn in the kitchen.
"It's between one and more than one!"
~~Heather argues with plurals.
"Your total is two-twenty-seven ... eight."
~~Stacie describes $22.78.
"She's known her since she was five. Er, no, she is five. Fifteen months!"
~~Jennifer guesses her daughter's age.
"It's not just a quarter game. He plays for hundreds of money!"
~~Stacie defends gambling.
"It's two twenty-sunday."
~~Sunday, 2:27 a.m. -- Sarah tells time.
"Well, honey, it's three o'clock -- four -- seven."
~~3:47 a.m. -- Stacie tells time.
"Yeah, but she's on the young end of five. Actually, she's not
five yet. So, she's on the really young end of five."
~~Sarah grabs at straws.
"I like to call it a week and a half."
~~Heather describes eight days.
"I'd like to go to a dance, but I don't have ten buckets."
~~Sarah's subconscious mind acknowledges that she spends lots of bucks on buckets.
"You can't divide a gallon by eleven cents!"
~~Sarah does algebra.
"So, if you can get a gallon for 89 cents ..... then you can get 8.09 gallons for 11 cents.
Well, that's a way better deal."
~~Heather does algebra.
"It'd be, like -- a 45.50eth of a ton."
~~Heather does more algebra.
"Because 14 weeks is only seven times as much as twice as much as one week."
~~Heather makes it bearable.
|"And then Thursday I only have ... wait. I have a nine-thirty to twelve-fifteen, and then a ... wait. It must be a nine-thirty to eleven-forty-five ... wait. "|
"These omelets are so much better than the cheesy eggs of yestersemester."
~~Heather learns the meaning of 'unfortunate rhyme'.
"Our garage door was hooked up backwards. I was wet, and I was changin' the oil in the car ..."
~~Every great story should start this way.
"How do you spell 'even'?"
~~Heather majors in communications.
"All the floors have mouses with wristrests."
~~Sarah puts rodents to good use.
"I figured out how to make a little spaceman come out and eat the things I don't want."
"I couldn't remember how many ohs came after the colon in ... one o'clock."
~~Sarah stays awake entirely too long.
"Mrs. What's-her-face. What the hell was her face?"
"We've been awake, probably, less than two minutes, and already we're discussing putting rum in chocolate syrup."
~~Heather marvels at ourselves.
Sarah: "I'm going to stick a quarter to the wall over here."
Heather: "Dude, it's so not fair that you have stic-tac."
~~Heather and Sarah get some work done.
"Next time I have to pee -- you go."
"It's not that bad! Look around! .... Wait. I'm in a closet."
~~Sarah's optimism slips a notch.
"Bite me -- bite me -- bite me -- bite me -- and then die."
~~Heather calmly disposes of the problem.
"Representatives gather at a spessicifistic place and time ..."
~~Sarah describes caucuses.
"Oh, look! It folds up into a thing! And you can put it!"
~~Heather once again exhibits her eloquence.
"I don't know where everything is in the silverwear caddy, 'cause I usually just get it from [the drainer]; So I couldn't find the butter."
~~Stacie, once again, enters the kitchen.
Sarah: "It's Friday the 13th!"
Stacie: "I know! That's when I realized it, when I looked at my speeding ticket!"
~~Stacie proves a superstition.
"Maybe they're on a however-many-day-long-it's-been-since-you've-heard-from-them spiritual journey."
~~Stacie tries to help.
"Knock on wickerwork."
~~Say 10 times fast.
"I forgot I had a cup in my mouth."
~~Stacie's hand becomes a mouth.
"The dishes are full of sink!"
~~Sarah does housework.
"I already put the fandow in the win!"
~~Stacie does housework.
"I've spent many a day wearing milk carton shoes!"
~~Stacie grows up during the Depression.
"Oh, and I learned a very interesting ... well, it's not a fact ..."
~~Stacie spreads the gossip.
Sarah: "Does this mean that Toby thinks he's sexy?"
Stacie: "He thought so much, he became sexy!"
~~Stacie overestimates the power of will.
Sarah: "He must think we're little kids!"
Stacie: "We probably are!"
"Whoa! They turned off that church as we drove past!"
~~Sarah feels unwelcome.
"You have no right to swing that, when am as tired am I is."
~~Stacie brings the point home.
"No. Maybe. Possibly. Yes, actually."
~~Sarah talks it through.
"That's not a throat lozenge. I don't care."
~~Heather heads up a drug task force.
"So. This is a ding dong."
~~Heather rings for service.
"Broke another hackamore.
(Started snaffle training.)"
~~April 11, 1999, entry in my riding journal.
"If I can't open the door, what's the point of having a key? 'Cept ... I can open my top door."
~~Heather learns to differentiate between the hall door and her room door.
"It's like -- the other day, I couldn't remember the difference between cow and Satan."
~~Sarah runs full-speed into a language barrier.
"It's impossible that we're here, and we have spoons and shit. It's just highly unlikely."
~~Heather proves the existence of extraterrestrial life.
"For five minutes of my life, I thought the plural of 'car' was 'cattle'."
~~Sarah thinks West.
"If my heart were beating that fast, I'd be a bunny."
~~Heather tries to hook herself up to the VCR."
"If it were me, I'd be on the slow computer in the little secret database room."
~~Sarah watches The X-Files and drinks from her half-empty glass.
"Grades can't be low enough to kill a person!"
~~Heather achieves happiness.
Sarah: "You're an English major! You don't have to have a high GPA every semester! In fact, you're supposed to be stoned!"
Heather: "I wish I was! I wish I was stoned! ... I wish I were stoned."
~~Heather reaffirms her predestined path in life.
"Why would you use your crayon time to draw school?!"
~~Sarah is in college, but that's often hard to believe.
"You can't hide behind a tree when you're surrounded! That's the saddest thing I've ever heard!"
~~Heather sympathizes with fugitives.
"I'm going to do a load of laundry! I need to do a load of laundry! In fact -- I'm going to do a load of laundry!"
~~Sarah campaigns for dorm presidency.
"Gummi bears. There's been an incident."
~~Heather calls for back-up.
"Word games are a blast when you're dead."
~~Sarah consoles the terminally-ill.
"When it comes to men, I figure we need at least one, or we wouldn't have Mulder."
"How do you spell computer science?"
|Special Section: Election 200|
That was supposed to read 2000, but since this is Vocab from Hell, I let the typo stand
|"The tickets are proof of how Democratic and good we tried to be ... before the car decided to vote Republican."|
~~Sarah explains the difficulty getting to the Democratic rally on the capitol steps.
Sarah: "Let's go on our mission!"
Heather: "Should we put on costumes first?"
~~Heather and Sarah continue to search for a way to make it to the rally.
"Wouldn't it be awful if they said Bush had California, and then they said 'no' and then they said 'yes' and then they said 'no'
and then at like noon tomorrow night ..."
~~Heather makes a rather spooky prediction at about 8 p.m. on November 7.
"Now, no politician likes to lose. But when you lose to a man that has died in a plane crash, that's got to hurt!"
~~The news anchor tries to make Ashcroft feel better.
"I think we should re-evaluate the TV being off, 'cause the remote control was confusing. Perhaps the VCR should have come on."
~~Heather attempts to turn off CNN after 48 hours of election coverage.
"Mr. Gore ought to do the right and honorable thing, as Nixon did ..."
~~Pat Buchanan almost makes me pee myself.
"We hereby deem California: On the east coast."
~~Heather tries to split the country in two without losing Hollywood to Texas.
"She should have to be a citizen of ... well, at least the world!"
~~Heather protests Katherine Harris.
"They were like, 'Bite me, you Nazi bitch!'"
~~Heather analyzes the intent of the Florida Supreme Court ruling.
"I only ate one candidate today.
One more and we don't have a President."
~~Heather discovers an alternative to democratic elections.
|"If you were a cat, you could be a barn horse."|
~~Stacie tries to help.
"I wish I was a blue man's wife."
~~Stacie gets dreamy.
"For a shitty day, it's been a damn good day."
~~Stacie's glass is both half empty and half full.
"I wish I was the zoom-zoom boy."
~~Stacie finds direction in life.
Sarah: "You left out 'tired'."
Stacie: "No, I said it. But I forgot where I put it in. So I left it out."
Sarah: "So, in other words ... you didn't say it?"
Stacie: "Out loud!"
~~Stacie finally thinks before she speaks.
"The only other thing I can think of is Fweeb."
~~Jerry is out of options.
"I didn't realize that was there until, like, I was there."
~~Stacie runs into the doorframe.
Jerry: "Do it!"
Heather: "Will it blow up if I do?"
Jerry: ". . . No?"
~~Jerry exudes confidence.
" ... because Marilyn is a growing and edible child."
~~Sarah is a concerned but hungry aunt.
"If you blend your sheet and my shirt together, it'd be my fingernails."
~~Stacie takes a potions class.
"Latoosha and Glydia?"
"No, Latoosha would PLAY Thumb Reader."
~~Heather and Jerry get into it.
Jerry: "Did you light those incense?"
Heather: "I thought YOU lote those incense."
~~Heather and Jerry discover their house is haunted, but somehow it's just not scary.
"Which means you're not only a cat person . . . you're a dog killer."
~~Jerry tries to be accepting.
"The English language is fucked up. It's fly and then flown and flow and flowed.
So if people have flowed, I mean, if people flow, then they've flowed, and if people fly then they have flown, so why isn't sny snown?"
~~Stacie wonders why snowed isn't snown.
"That was just some creasy, greepy guy."
~~Sarah attempts an insult.
"A well-insulated wild Western blind drunk bird with jet lag lives in a tree outside my window."
~~Stacie learns who her neighbors are.
Stacie: "Our house is haunted ..."
Sarah: "... by a weird bird and ..."
Stacie: "... popular music."
~~Stacie and Sarah get settled in.
"If it's crunchy after boiling it for so long, then it's bad.
'Cause when it gets old -- like, 10 years old -- I don't know;
that was just a guesstimate -- then you can't chew it,
'cause it's crunchy. Well, you can chew it. But it's crunchy."
~~Stacie prepares a meal.
"I have a more straightforward logicness."
"It sounds right, 'cause you can add 'ick' to it."
~~Stacie applies said logic.
"They don't strike me as the kind of people to eat."
~~Stacie is picky and cannabalistic.
"I can. I don't know why I would. But I still am."
~~Stacie justifies her actions.
"I guess I just wanted to go right on red. But by the time I
went right on red, I was green!"
~~Stacie goes for it.
"I was about to think."
~~Stacie misses her chance.
"Well, it's time to get back in the car and wet my pants."
~~Now Sarah has an accident on a number of different levels.
"You know ... < burp >."
~~Stacie enlightens me.
"It was only a matter of time."
~~Sarah breaks yet another wristwatch while riding.
"Look how much up he goes so fastly."
~~Dad watches the sky.
"Wouldn't it be weird if we had a squirrel?"
~~Heather experiments with adjectives.
"Our lights are off. We're so stupid."
~~Heather gives up hope.
"Whoa! Heather has Wizard of Oz checks! Now my Sesame Street checks are just bleh!"
~~Stacie and Heather officially reach adulthood.
"I can't believe you remembered that zip code, as drunk as I am."
~~Heather blames herself.
"If we started a rum gum business, you could afford to have a whole closet full
of underwear that looks like two pairs of underwear."
~~Sarah props up the economy.
"I have to pee too. We can do that in our floor."
~~Heather has an accident on a number of different levels.
Sarah: "I wanna bowl."
Heather: "Fine! You can have a bowl!"
Sarah: "I want to bowl."
Heather. "Fine! You can bowl!"
~~Heather and Sarah interact as best they can.
"Being in Florida, I wouldn't accreditate it."
~~Heather blames vacationers.
"I wonder if most people are average?"
~~Heather lowers her standards.
"I wish everyone who ever gives me directions could be her."
~~Stacie finds a way.
"You should have been in my head when I thought of it!"
~~Heather shares her enthusiasm.
"The history of the English language is writing-intensive?"
~~Heather misuses a question mark.
"...and you know what? I have always been an impatient purple."
~~Sarah exibits a unique brand of self-deprecation.
"He's an Englishman, he's a vacuum cleaner, and he keeps disappearing."
~~Sarah sends out an APB.
"Please can I have the kerchief later?"
"My Flurry's McMelting!"
~~Darcy rushes through dinner.
"That'll happen when you tape a house together."
~~Heather, on home maintenance.
"Eating till I die is a small price to pay for $50."
~~Sarah visits the family.
"You know, I haven't slept with noodles forever."
~~Stacie swears off the culinary arts.
"We have too many Joshikinses."
~~Heather, on excessive fandom.
"Cassie, Brassy, Sassy ... there's too many assies!"
~~Sarah studies rhyming words.
"You can't just draw yourself and have you be there!"
~~Jennifer argues with cartoonists.
"For some reason, I can't spell 'MSNBC.'"
~~Sarah gives up.
"I had to be careful. I was afraid my head was going to fall off."
~Heather is on the verge of coming up with a new use for duct tape.
Heather: "Oh, god!"
Heather: ".... My eye just itched really bad. And it's late."
~~Aww. One of little Heather's very first all-nighters.
"You sent me a time-sensitive e-mail?
~~Heather sits next to Sarah in the computer lab.
"Then I've got to squint and lick my eye."
~~Heather courts the green party nomination.
"So, you forgot watches were detachable, then?"
~~Sarah probes for clarification.
"No! I just want to ooch something over, and make it be there!"
~~Heather accepts the responsibility of being the PR manager of a campus group.
"Okay, now, what?"
~~Heather begins the day.
"Oh, wait! I know! ... No, hang on."
~~Heather begins another day.
"If I nestle ..."
~~Heather begins a day I'd like to see end.
"I never thought about church before, but it's just ch -- UR -- ch."
~~Sarah gets spiritual.
"I love sending myselves notes.
Well, that was a Freudian slip."
~~Heather remembers things.
"Oh, the fucking camera thing is ... no. There's a limit."
~~Jerry discovers that he's out of film.
"You have to be grew that way."
~~Heather describes becoming a politician.
"The whole 'Person's name! Something!' I can hear that."
"You startle them, and they fall right to sleep."
~~Matt describes goats.
"...an' if you ever saw it, you would even say it blows ..."
~~Marilyn sings Christmas carols.
"Somebody put the kitchen sink on the kid!"
~~Mom makes an accusation.
"The TV's not on the sink, Matty."
~~Jennifer takes a crack at interior decorating.
"I cleaned up in bees this Christmas."
~~Darcy describes the holidays.
"It's got a poobie in it!"
~~Darcy continues to describe the holidays.
"Will you hurl forth the pad?"
~~Max plays board games.
"It's as if she's removed her torso and set it on her lap. .... Which, in effect, she has."
~~Heather considers becoming a plastic surgeon.
"Darcy will kill me, and then she'll kill you, and then we'll both be sad."
~~Chas explains death to her 10-month-old son.
"I'd say that's just a temporary fix."
~~Heather describes a shotgun blast to the head.
"See how you're no good? You gotta change that."
~~Heather gives a pep talk.
"Pen and ink is like biscuits and gravy!"
~~PlaidMan, the gourmet.
"We only wanted these things that we wanted for you because we wanted them for you."
~~Heather's adaptaptation of a Lifetime Original Movie.
"Heather's adaptaptation of a Lifetime Original Movie."
~~Sarah adapts adaptation.
"I have two pairs of socks and eight socks that are the same color."
~~Sarah packs an overnight bag.
"If we had fish, we would, like, never do our homework."
~~Heather studies family planning.
"This can't be true. I ran out of words after only five."
~~Sarah composes her thesis.
"Mumps. Measles. Civics."
~~Dr. Bailey takes on the evils of the world.
"If it catches the sail, I'm just gonna go sailing backward. If it catches the wind. Wait, forward."
~~Sarah does her hair.
"The whole point of having red hair is -- well, you have to be a woman."
~~Darcy explains genetics.
"I am concentrating. I just want to face this way so I can watch 'The Simpsons' while I concentrate."
~~Heather raises her GPA.
"I think pigeons should feel like seals. If I ever get to touch a pigeon, I'm going to get it wet first."
~~Heather never misses an opportunity.
"Porn on a scouty website. The snafu tonight at 11."
~~The news guy gets rhythm.
"I'd be so pissed if I woke up in the morning."
~~Heather's sleeping in, and woe to those who try to stop her."
"Because you're in what field? The nitpicky field of the world!"
~~JMC Professor PlaidMan strikes again.
"I wish we were whizzing on our bikes."
~Sarah forgets about public restrooms.
"I can't wait for school to start. I don't want to think about ice cream anymore."
~Sarah officially reaches adulthood.
"I have a gun and a peacock."
~Darcy makes a threat.
"I need to ... learn ... everything."
~~Heather discovers the secret to college.
Heather: "When is that due?"
Sarah: "The Tuesday .. or Thursday .. or maybe Wednesday -- or some day after Labor Day. Or before Labor Day."
~~Sarah demonstrates her steel-trap mind.
"North can't change direction, can it?"
~Heather learns about the world.
"We sleep with our heads facing due north!"
~~Heather applies what she's learned.
~~That's just the best word in the world.
"Pausing only to run three miles, Sarah retired to the sofa."
"Pausing only to run three miles, Sarah retired to the sofa all covered with cheese."
"We omit credit cards."
~~Professor PlaidMan makes a point.
"Let's call Mom 'Omby' and never tell her why."
~~And Heather wonders why Mom worries.
"Is there a happy medium with this chair, or does it just tip over backwards?"
~~Sarah takes a load off.
"In a minute, I was gonna go 'huh?'!"
~~Heather defends her conversational skills.
"I was afraid my Jack Daniels would explode in the car. So I put it in my backpack. And went to Religious Studies class."
~~Heather gets spiritual.
"That's grammatically incorrect. Somebody shouldn't've not've okayed that."
~~~~The pot calls the kettle black.
~~Heather asks the question, "Do what?"
"I think we would smell smoke, if anything were too terribly wrong."
~~Sarah wonders if they'll make it.
"That older lady with the -- not the shovel -- the stroller?"
~Heather points at pedestrians.
"I fixate on lapels."
~~Sarah, the fashion editor
"I should put my one of these on my thing and have my crap in it."
"I didn't try to slide into the pole."
~~the dip on the talk show explains away a fiery car crash
"I keep finding new places where I forgot I set the lamp."
~~Heather considers a career in interior design
"They can't say their names in order!"
~~Heather, on student life.
"So, I'm sittin' on the toilet, and I'm reading my toothpaste ...."
~~Darcy relaxes with some good literature
"I like having a class with 'ABCs' in the title!"
~~Heather anticipates "The ABCs of Greek Orthodoxy"
"Hey, I've got Greeth Orkodoxy, too!"
~~Sarah anticipates "The ABCs of Greek Orthodoxy"
"It's like -- LAAAAAAA!"
~~Heather describes college
"We should duck into the Klumps."
~~Darcy and Sarah scare themselves
"Stupidity is knowing and can't being able to be taught."
~~swear to God, my JMC professor said it
"I go ahead and feel them, and then I realize I'm not made of mercury."
~~Heather considers a career in medicine.
"My head feels all empty and squishy."
~~Sarah describes her suspicion that there's bubble gum stuck to the inside of her skull
"I mean, I don't call you 'Sister Heather', and we're biologically related!
~~Sarah spills ketchup on herself at a gospel sing