Agent Dogbreath

(...and other euphemisms)

Disclaimer: If you are Robert Patrick, know that I mean you no disrespect. You're an actor and it's your job to act, yadda yadda. It's just that I'm frustrated because you're not David Duchovny, and Doggett isn't Mulder, and Mulder and Scully belong together forever. I mean, you didn't really expect the owner of "Mulder Loves Scully Land" to be enthusiastic about this, did you?!

! ! !My Dream Scene Between Scully, Mulder, and Dogbutt ! ! !

It started as a rumor. We were told that if David Duchovny indeed only signed for half the episodes, we were going to be stuck with some new guy pretending to be all chummy with our Scully. Then it became a list: 'Here are the people being considered for the role of Scully's new partner.' As if she could ever call anyone but Mulder her 'partner', anyway.

Now it's become a fact: Robert Patrick, or, as we like to call him, Robert F***ing Patrick, is going to be intruding into Scully's personal space for every episode in the 8th season. There are a million things wrong with this scenario.

Number one. He's not Mulder. And because Mulder and Scully are in love, are destined to be together, are parents and all, they ought to be together without anyone else intruding.

Number two. Why does he have to be in all the episodes, including the ones that have Mulder in them? This goes back to number one, the no intruding rule.

Number three. There has been talk that Gillian and Robert F***ing Patrick might continue the show after David has completely stepped aside. Which means there would be no closure for Mulder and Scully. There would be no justice in the world. They would not be together forever, and that simply cannot be.

Number four. If they had to pick an actor to act next to Gillian, did they have to pick this guy?

Numbers five through a million and beyond. Any fool could see that it just isn't right.

Let's expand on number four. If they had to do this -- if they had to be stupid enough to introduce someone -- did it have to be Robert Patrick? It could have been someone slightly less boring, couldn't it? Slightly less cliched? Someone like Kyle Machlachlin (only spelled correctly), like Josh Charles or Peter Krause or Josh Malina (I know for a fact that those boys have got some free time coming -- and wouldn't Josh Malina have been adorable!)? Why this guy?!

If I've offended you, please let me know so I can point at you and laugh. My e-mail address is I'm off now to rant and rave some more .......


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